my love

I've grown up with you, I spend part of my childhood and my whole youth with you.
You were the one that was always there, in happiness and in times of trouble, when I cried and was in misery, you were always there. You put the smile back on my face, always.
I really don't know when these tears will dry .. if ever.
Once before we got you, I was wishing hard for a friend that never grows, always stays the same - you fullfilled my wish, you stayed the way, till this very moment.
I love you deep down, to the bottom of my heart and with all my soul. YOU are the best friend that I always was looking for, that I found and that will stay in my heart as my best friend till I am going to close my eyes myself.
Why it was you having cancer? Why you? and why is the cancer sitting in between your heart and your lung and not somewhere unimportant? why?
You're still here with my, sometimes. You try your best. Sleeping a lot and you're still tired. But not tired of life, I see it in your eyes. You are the sweetest thing I've ever seen. darling.
I am not sure how I will get through this very different passage of life that comes now. I am scared. not because of the new passage, because I have no one that will wait for me and putting my head up everytime.
everytime I see you looking in the distance, it breaks my heart a little more. Every time I see you opening your mouth a little more only to take a little breath, I am dying a little inside.
It's time - we had the most 10 and a quarter years together, I will miss every single minute and I can't tell how sorry I am for every little time I wasn't giving you the food you preferred or I didn't have time to pet you - so sorry.

It's my decision to let you go to sleep forever. When? when am I supposed to know the right time. I am highly scared of not giving you more time than you deserve, I am scared of letting you have last days of pain.
I am going to decide this by myself and when you tell me when it's right and you are ready.

Tears are rolling down my face, again and again. But I have to write this of my soul, no one needs to read.
I love you more than words can tell,
forever.